If you attended Genesis this week, or listened online, you heard me mention that I had much more in my notes about how men and women are different in their sexuality. A couple people asked for more of that information, so I thought I’d blog about it. It’s a little scary to have this in print on our website, but it was also a bit weird to preach about it. Be sure to listen to the message on our website, genesiseureka.com/sermon-audio/.
Before I get into the content, I want to give a disclaimer. This material is not a formula, nor is it to replace the real goal, a life of two people getting to know each other deeper each day. The following are generalizations, of which some may fit your marriage and some may not. Use this information as a launch point to understand your spouse more and love him or her more. As the two of you live out your intimacy, this material may help you understand why each of you tend to respond to sex in different ways and value it for different reasons. Finally, these differences are part of the divine created order. God designed the differences between men and women before the Fall in to sin, and declared the differences to be a good thing (see Genesis 1:26-28, 31). Even though we are sinful people, these differences should be celebrated. We have a tendency to live life from our point of view, with a desire to fulfill our needs. I would encourage you to celebrate the differences in your spouse and strive passionately to please him or her. I write this to help you see your husband or wife as an incredible creation of God given to you as an act of His love. So here goes.
Let’s start with an analogy. In the area of sexuality, men tend to be more like microwaves, while women are more like crock pots. A microwave meal is quick, always ready, and edible at any time. You can pop something in the microwave, cook it for a minute, and “ding” it’s ready to go. A crock pot meal, on the other hand, must be prepared all day. The elements of the meal must be planned way beforehand, and added carefully, then cooked for a long time for the meal to come out right. OK, so you are probably thinking, what does pot roast and potatoes have to do with anything. Let me explain.
OK, so let’s talk about the dudes first. Being a microwave means that men are generally quick to be aroused and interested. Sexuality is more compartmentalized, meaning that sex does not have a high connection to other areas of life. This is why a guy can have a rotten day, with finances crumbling, and other pressures riding high, but they can still be interested in sex. In fact, for guys, this can be a stress reliever, which confounds their wives. Men tend to be drawn to the physical aspect of sex over the relational. Don’t mishear me, I am not saying that they are non-relational, but their attention is geared toward the physical. Attraction for men tends to be based on senses; touch, smell, sight, smell, sound. A wife desiring to please her husband will appeal to those senses. She will allow him to be visual, she will wear perfumes that appeal to him, she will concentrate on touch. With all of these, she should figure out specifically what appeals to her husband. As for needs, men need to feel respected. They do have a need to feel that their wife desires to be with him and that she honestly believes he is the greatest guy in the world and the only one that can meet her needs. Men tend to thrive on adventure and excitement, which means that they enjoy variety and being surprised, and sometimes even caught off guard by their wives. For the most part, men are quick to excitement and very hard to distract once a couple is involved.
Now about ladies. Most wives approach life in a wholistic way, meaning that everything, including sex is interconnected. For women, sex is connected to how well the day at work went, and what happened with the kids at dinner, etc. For her, sex after a frustrating day adds to the frustration. Being a crock pot actually means that the husband and the wife need to be thinking of ways to add the right ingredients to the mix throughout the day in order to prepare her for intimacy. Also, there is no recipe. The ingredients that worked last week may not have the same outcome this week. Women tend to be more relationally driven and less physically driven in their sex life. They are drawn to their husband as he touches her heart and makes her feel loved and secure. She will tend to be attracted by words, being held, and being cared for in other ways. Sometimes this means that a wife may be more turned on when her husband does the dishes or sweeps the floor than by flirting or touching. Alright guys, I know that is bizarre, but true. A husband needs to passionately work to touch his wife’s heart before he touches her body. He must realize that for her, sex begins the minute he comes home… actually, the minute they wake up. Men also need to realize that women’s sexuality is cyclical, meaning that her body is designed by God to have a higher level of responsiveness during certain times of the month.
So what does this mean? I’ll close the blog with several observations for men and women as they consider how to respond, and love their spouse sacrificially.
HUSBANDS
- Remember that sex begins in the kitchen. Your involvement with her in other areas of life will have a lot to do with her willingness to be intimate at the end of the day. Love her by serving her and helping, if you want her to love you by being intimate.
- She is probably not going to be visually stimulated (especially if you are a hairy gorilla of a dude), and wonders why you are.
- Aromas are important, so take a shower and put on some deodorant.
- Be relational within sexual experiences. Touch her heart before you touch her body.
- Doing the dishes may do more to excite her than flirty words. While this may destroy your self-esteem, get over it and serve her.
- Romance your wife.
- Realize that she is probably not thinking about it. This means that your leadership as a man will have a lot to do with her attitude. If you love her sacrificially, and speak her love language often, she may be more open to your leadership in the area of sex.
WIVES
- Be willing to be creative, sexy, and different. Appeal to his senses, especially sight. Occasionally, you might want to surprise him.
- Realize that anything, absolutely anything will turn him on. Use this as a way to love him, but also be careful not to light fires that can’t burn.
- Understand that he will spend the evening wondering. Find ways to communicate to your husband how he can love you, or, in other words, in what direction should he love you.
- One of the best ways to give love to your husband is to be intimate with him when he is stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, hurting, or struggling.
These are generalizations. Every person and couple will be different. Discuss these things with each other, and spend a lifetime growing, loving, and discovering each other. God bless.
“The essence of sexual enjoyment is self giving. You will find that it is impossible to draw the line between giving pleasure and receiving pleasure. If you put the giving first, the receiving is inevitable.”
Elizabeth Elliot.
